she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
