My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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