Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
