I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
