Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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