She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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