I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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