You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Can you bring me the toilet please
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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