Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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