I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
