if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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