I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
