The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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