you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Randomize
