Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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