Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
