I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
