Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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