If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
