Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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