Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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