I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
