I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm at about main and main street
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I wish there were birth control emojis
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
