I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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