Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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