he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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