Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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