On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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