Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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