Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
