I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
