I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
