I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
