I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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