I feel great
I just peed on a car
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
