Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He has the fingertips of a God
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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