A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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