halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
