oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Couch. On fire.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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