break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
