Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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