eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
