I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
