I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
