All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
