I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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