how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
