Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
