happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
