i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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