Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
