and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
