I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Come on in and take your pants off
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